In the Shadows
by Michelle167
Summary: Kaidan struggles to come to terms with Shepard's death. One-shot.


Okay, I'm still suffering from writers block here...haven't gotten past the lack of Kaidan in ME2 yet. So this is basically just a little exercise I typed out to try to stimulate some kind of creativity. It wound up being rather short, but I actually finished which was an improvement over all the other ones I had tried to write lately. After Horizon I've had a hard time being inspired. Hopefully it will pass.

This is basically a short, short one shot about how Kaidan is dealing with Sheps death. Rated T.

I do not own Bioware: If I did they're would have been a whole lot more Kaidan in ME2.

In the Shadows:

Kaidan looked down at the report in his hand and gripped it tightly. Swallowing hard, he struggled to keep back the tears that were threatening to flow. The attempt to keep his emotions in check only increased the dull pain that had begun to creep into his skull.

He had known deep in his heart that it could happen...that one of them or both of them could die in battle, but somehow he had turned a blind eye. Commander Shepard was the hero of the citadel, the savior of the galaxy...no one could take her down...she always found a way. Even when Saren had been defeated and it looked like she had been lost, she had sprung from the rubble as the undisputed hero. No...Kaidan had believed that if one of them had to die it would be him. And yet here he sat...alone...mourning over the loss of Shepard on the same day that the Alliance had declared her killed in action.

The citadel was in constant motion around him. The keepers were everywhere cleaning debris...their scurrying movements made the council cleanup crews look as though they were standing still. Kaidan watched motionless as an ever deepening emptiness spread over his entire being.

"I don't think I can recover from this," he thought.

Never the less he knew he would put on the brave face. Wasn't that what he always did? Outside he was ever the consummate professional...everything by the book. No wonder most people thought he had it all together...but on the inside, it was a different matter. Even before Shepard, he had hid a lot of his pain.

At the thought of his former Commander he closed his eyes. She had been more than just his lover...she had been his savior. Of the few women he had dated after Rhana there had been none as close to him as Shepard. She had actually made him forget about the girl he had loved so long ago...but now Shepard had become Rahna...the ideal by which every woman he would meet in the future would be judged. And that realization let him know that in all likelihood he was doomed at least as far as romantic relationships were concerned. What woman could ever live up to Commander Amanda Shepard?

"How you holding up?" The voice startled Kaidan out of the dull fog that was settling over his brain.

Captain Anderson took a seat next to him on the bench.

"I'll be okay...just need...time," answered Kaidan.

Anderson nodded. He had been through this with almost all of the Normandy survivors...each of them dealing with what had happened in their own way. Most of the meetings had gone well...some had not. Joker had even resigned when he found out that he was being grounded. Anderson had tried to explain that it would only be for a short period, but the pilot wouldn't listen. Perhaps in time he would come to his senses.

The aging soon-to-be Council member understood the bond the Normandy crew had...they had gone through a lot together. In his years serving with the Alliance he had drawn close to a lot of people...after all they had to depend on each other in battle...but the Normandy was altogether different. They had been close...maybe too close. Anderson could not recall such a loss in times past having such an affect on the surviving crew members.

The meeting with Alenko had not been something he had looked forward to. As an officer, he would be taking it harder than the rest...blaming himself. How many had Anderson seen crumble in his lifetime due to the fact they couldn't get past the tragedies for which they felt guilty? He had lost count. The Alliance could not afford to lose any more personnel...after Saren they were stretched too thin.

"I know this can't be easy...it isn't easy for any of us...the crew was one of the best, and Shepard was...well there wasn't anyone just quite like her," he answered.

Kaidan half smiled and nodded in return, as he bit his lip to keep from breaking down in front of the Captain.

Anderson shifted uncomfortably as he studied the Lieutenant. He wasn't sure he had the right words to alleviate Alenko's pain.

"It wasn't your fault, Alenko," he said, simply.

Kaidan let out a deep sigh and lowered his head into his free hand, his other hand still clenching the report.

"If I had stayed aboard the Normandy I could have saved her," he blurted out.

"You don't know that...besides how many people would have died if you hadn't gotten them to the escape pods," Anderson countered.

"The galaxy needs her...she's not here because I..." Kaidan started.

He felt his brain screaming at him. "I need her," it seemed to say. The headache that had been forming reached new heights as pain shot into his left temple.

"She not here because the Normandy was attacked...it was an accident...it could have been any one of you...she did what was right by staying to get everyone out...it's not your fault," Anderson interrupted.

"If I had stayed..." Kaidan could feel his raw emotions rising to the surface. He did not want to break down in front of his superior officer.

"You would have died," Anderson said.

"I wish I had!" Kaidan voice rose to high pitch. He barely managed to keep back his tears.

"You were obeying orders," Anderson continued, "It's what we do...don't dishonor Shepard by questioning her final orders."

Kaidan looked up dumbfounded. He wasn't dishonoring Shepard's memory...Anderson just didn't understand...he didn't know. Shepard was more than his commanding officer...she was...she was...is...

"dead," he thought.

It didn't matter what he felt about her or how she might have felt about him. She wasn't coming back.

The captain sighed and shook his head.

"Like I said I know this is hard for you...it's difficult for all of us...but we have to go on...honor her memory by being the best we can be...live up to the standard that she set," Anderson explained.

Kaidan knew that he was right. Shepard was an exemplary example of the model soldier. She represented the best of the Alliance military, a role model of what every Alliance soldier should strive to be...standing up for what was just, decent, and good. It was one of the reasons he had been so drawn to her...they had believed in the same things. If he had to carry on...he would do so in her name.

"I know your right," Kaidan said softly.

Anderson felt a wave of relief. He genuinely liked the Lieutenant, but he knew the dangers of an inconsolable L2 biotic. He didn't want Alenko becoming unstable because he couldn't get a handle on his emotions.

"There are some other things I need to discuss with you," the captain continued.

"Other things, Captain?" asked Kaidan.

"Orders came down today. In light of the fact that you saved the majority of the crew of the Normandy, you will be receiving a medal...and a promotion...we can talk about the specifics later...I don't want to go into all the details now. I really think you need to take some time to deal with everything. You might even consider attending one of the memorial services to say your goodbyes." Anderson stretched as he stood from the bench.

The council and the Alliance were both having memorial services to honor Shepard, Pressley and the 20 fallen crew members of the Normandy. Even at Anderson's suggestion Kaidan knew he would not be attending. He couldn't...his personal pain was something private...something he didn't feel like he could share with anyone.

A part of him felt sick...even disgusted with himself. How could they honor him for rescuing part of the crew of the Nomandy? He had failed...Shepard was dead.

"A medal....a promotion...but," he stammered, shaking his head.

"Don't argue with it, Alenko...it isn't just a reward for service above the call of duty...it comes with a re-assignment that is highly classified...we need you on this," Anderson interrupted. It was the Captain's belief that after a few days off that returning to duty would be the best way for the Lieutenant to move on.

"But the crew of the Normandy?" Kaidan interjected.

"Re-assigned...most of them have already moved out," Anderson answered.

Kaidan looked down at the report still clenched in his hands and nodded.

"When do you want me to report for duty?" he asked.

Anderson clasped his hands behind his back as he turned all business, "Three days...until then...take some time...a little shore leave...get your head on straight...then report back to me...I'll give you the full details on your reassignment...is that understood, Lieutenant."

"Yes sir," Kaidan returned.

Anderson strode off leaving Kaidan right where he had found him...alone with his memories.

He felt like his head was spinning. Shepard had barely been pronounced dead and his entire world was changing before he had chance to get a handle on any of it.

Glancing at the keepers he envied them...they seemed oblivious to the emotional pain around them. Their only concern was their work.

"Perhaps work will keep my mind off her." The thought flickered and then fell silent, as a persistent nagging clawed at his brain.

"It my fault," he thought.

In his eyes, like Rahna, Shepard had been perfect. It was his fault Rahna had rejected him...that she had seen him as a monster. Why wouldn't it be his fault that Shepard had gone away from him as well? He knew it was irrational...his head knew better, but his heart wouldn't listen. If only he had stayed...he could have saved her...he could have saved them.

He looked at the report he held in his hand. A friend in Alliance personnel had slipped it to him asking if he had known anything about it. He had answered no. After much convincing his friend had agreed to strike the report from the records, leaving Kaidan with the only copy.

He looked down at the data.

Quarterly physical:

Subject: Commander Amanda Shepard

Blood Pressure: Normal

Blood count: Normal

Overall Physical condition: Excellent

Scanning the results, his eyes landed on the last line of the data.

Pregnancy test results: Positive.

Kaidan lowered his head into his hands and wept bitterly.


End file.
